4 Ways You Can Begin Dating Intentionally
As we transition from “hot girl summer” to “cuffing season” it’s the time of year where single women start to think about their love life again. Of course you had a great time partying, hanging with the girls and living your best life without a partner. But as the months get colder, it’s only natural to want someone to cuddle up and do cute winter activities with. And there’s nothing wrong with that. If there’s anything the pandemic has taught us about life, it’s the importance of companionship.
Here’s the thing. If you’ve been through a couple of cuffing seasons, you know how hectic it can be. The pressure to not be alone can have you clinging to the wrong people and accepting the bare minimum, only to end up disappointed a few months later. It’s a toxic cycle and these days it seems like you’re either stuck in situationship land or choosing to just be alone - even though that’s not what you want.
Thankfully there’s a better option. If you’re beyond sick of endless swiping and the dreaded never ending “talking stage” it may be time for you to make the shift from casual dating to intentional dating.
What is Intentional Dating?
Intentional dating is exactly what it sounds like. It’s a style of dating that involves having a purpose and a plan. A person who is ready to get intentional with their dating life starts with a journey of self discovery to get clear on their values, personality type, ideal partner, and ultimately, their relationship vision.
They then create a plan, complete with action steps that are designed to get them from where they are, to where they want to be. With intentional dating, the goal is typically a committed relationship leading to marriage but really, it can be anything you want it to be.
During my research into intentional dating, I remembered my time as a waitress and realised that a lot of the lessons I had learned during that time were applicable to this situation. I didn’t know it at the time but I was learning how to be intentional with my relationships every day.
Here are some of the lessons I learned and some not so obvious tips for anyone who is ready to start dating with intention today.
Watch our discussion with Ope about The Necessity of a Love Life Audit
Lead With Who You Are & Not With What You Do
As a dating coach, I see a lot of amazing women making a key mistake when trying to date with intention. Thinking that what makes them valuable in the dating market is their accomplishments. So when trying to connect with people, they focus on their job, business or degree thinking that this will set them apart. Unfortunately, those things are not the main priority for the right partner.
As a waitress, I quickly learned that what made regular customers seek me out, wait longer to be seated in my section and always leave generous tips was not the food I served them. It was my warm personality, sense of humour, kindness, and attention to the little things. It was the emotional connection I was able to create with them that kept them coming back.
So my first tip if you want to start practicing intentional dating, is that instead of leading with those high achievements that you hold so dearly, think about the values and characteristics behind those achievements and lead with those instead. My favorite question to ask my clients is “What does your achievement say about you?” Saying that you have an MBA from a top school is nice. But if you are able to dive deeper and talk about how that made you resilient, self aware and more willing to learn from your mistakes, then you give your date more insight into you and you’re more likely to make a meaningful emotional connection.
Focus Serving Instead of Being Served
Another mistake women make when trying to practice intentional dating, is only thinking about their needs and what they hope to get out of the relationship. They don’t take time to get clear on the value that they bring to the partnership.
As a waitress, I was always listening for valuable information I could use to serve my customers better. I went above and beyond to remember their birthdays, things they told me about their children and even how to cheer them up on a bad day. I had way more success with this approach, than when I came in focused on only making tips.
My second tip for intentional dating, is for you to also think about the wants, needs and even pain points of your potential partners when mapping out your relationship vision. I know we all hate the question “What do you bring to the table?” but even if it’s not asked, it’s always implied. Dating is a two way street. So while you’re busy checking off the qualities on your perfect partner list, make sure you are also intentional about showing and telling them the ways that their life is better with you in it!
Clearly Express Your Feelings
The third major mistake women make when trying to date with intention, is believing that the right partner should understand them completely without them having to say a word. I blame the movies for this one.
I remember coming to work on a very tough day. I was angry and emotional about something that had happened before work and it showed in my service that day. I stomped around upset and snapped at customers and coworkers. Eventually, when my manager pulled me aside, I told him what was wrong and the first thing he said was, “Why didn’t you just say something?”
The lesson here is obvious and so is my tip. When trying to practice intentional dating, remember that no one is a mind reader. While you shouldn’t have to ask for the basics like honesty and kindness, it would be unfair of you to expect a person who doesn’t know you, to anticipate your every need. So when you get back into the dating scene, you need to clearly communicate any expectations, standards and boundaries to your potential partners, and it’s up to them to meet it.
Create a Support System
When trying to date intentionally, support and accountability make a world of a difference. So insisting on doing it alone can be a big mistake.
I was a great server, but I knew I would be nothing without my support team at work. From my manager who kept me in check, to the hostesses who made sure my tables were always full, the busboys who cleaned up after me, and other servers who helped me bring out food and attend to my tables when I was falling behind.
My final tip for you is that intentional dating is not a solo activity. Whether it’s a dating coach, a therapist, or even some dating besties, having people to guide you and give you support and accountability while you date is key. Setting up the right support system can help you avoid major mistakes and increase your chances of finding the right partner.
With these tips, you should be well on your way to intentional dating, so go forth and flourish!
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