Woman crush April
This month we are crushing on my good friend Deja!
Deja and I quickly hit it off once we found out that 1. She knew my baby brother and attended school with him and 2. When we realized we were both on the celibacy journey! She has been a tremendous inspiration on helping me to stay on course and although I have had some mishaps her strength inspires me to stay the course! So this month I wanted to learn how she was embracing her single journey.
Why have you decided to be abstinent/celibate and how long do you plan to be?
I decided to become celibate October 2017. I made the decision to stop having sex because I no longer knew what sex meant to me. I wanted to go on a journey to find out what that was. When I was 17, I suffered a traumatic experience and I realized that every sexual encounter I had after that was to replace that moment and any emptiness, I felt inside from not being fulfilled from the interactions I was having with men. I no longer wanted my fears and brokenness to take control of my sex life. I chose me, I chose healing and I chose life. It was the best decision I could make. I plan on being celibate until I find the man I am meant to marry.
What have you learned about yourself during this journey?
I learned a lot about how I interact with men, what I allowed to serve as distractions in my life, what my values are that I bring to a relationship, my spirituality; and how my belief in God is the epicenter of my choices and whether I was showing that in the choices that I was making. Most importantly, I learned who the woman was I ultimately wanted to be and what she looked like, felt like, loved like and who she was sexually.
Do you think this will help you build more authentic relationships and how?
Absolutely! I understand so much more about me and how I love. I fell in love with myself again and God. I realize that if I don’t maintain a relationship with God in the way I say I want; how can I have one with anyone else? Including myself. I learned what sex meant to me and how there must be a connection, cerebrally and emotionally in order for it to really matter. This meant, I had to learn true intimacy. I realized I had to actually want to get to know someone and let them get to know me, unapologetically and honestly. Was this realization scary, hell yes but had I been robbing myself of this the whole time. Consequently, I know that the man I am meant to be with must be given true, unadulterated, unconditional love because that is all that I am willing to give myself and all that God deserves.
What are some of your goals that you are focusing on during your single time?
I am working on creating my own business and have more time to do so. I am working on sharpening my skills and knowledge base in my current job; which serves as the platform for my business. Secondly, I have set a goal to actually date intentionally. My last goal during this time has been to keep my promises to myself and allow myself to become the best version of me.
How are you accomplishing your goals?
I am staying consistent and honest. If I cheat, I make sure that I am honest with myself and then I forgive myself and try again. I am not allowing myself to self- sabotage because I am worth my weight in gold and my goals are a big part of that. I know my plan is bigger than me and I don’t want to rob someone else of what they are meant to learn in an experience because I didn’t do my part.
How do you practice self-love?
I treat myself often. I get my nails done, I make time to do my hair, facial masks, I take myself on dates. I do what I want and what makes me happy, because my happiness starts with me, not anyone else. I ask God to show me who I am destined to be so I can fall in love with her and not cling to my past. I tell myself how beautiful I am and no matter what I look like in that moment, and that is beautiful. I love myself enough to know, the bare minimum is not enough, therefore I never allow myself to stay in any space that reflects mediocrity. I wake up each and everyday trying to make it better that my last. This for me, is the greatest practice of self-love.