i'm Sick of Dating
By Alicia Christine Beach
If you’re in any singles groups on Facebook or casually scrolling through Instagram you’ve seen and heard the disappointment. The posts usually start with how disappointed the sister is with dating this generation of men, to how men don’t call anymore and some variation of hopeless memes about him not being “the one.”
It’s the same sad story. Boy meets girl, the girl makes boy her #MCM and a month later her IG is the void of the said boy.
I get it. I’ve been there and after disappointment after disappointment, even the most eager and confident of us ladies start to hesitate with sharing that we’ve “met someone new.” I remember a time back when I was a serial dater. Every time the season changed, I had a new man that I was “talking to” because the old one changed his mind or didn’t know what he wanted. I was lucky if he told me anything because ghosting became the primary method of informing me that I wasn’t it for him. If you’re like me you don’t have time for anymore prince charmings coming into your life, sweeping you off your feet and disappearing.
As bad as being ghosted can make us feel, sometimes it takes rejection for us to do our self-work and analyze the problem. It’s not always them sometimes it’s you.
I like to say, “you can’t control who you attract but you can control who you choose to entertain.” Most of the time we don’t realize how broken we are until we have an honest conversation with ourselves about why we entertain men who give us half-interested effort from the jump.
Let’s be totally honest:
Much of the disappointment that we experience is a result of failing to be honest with ourselves.
When we hide our hurt from ourselves, we quickly become the I don’t need a man girl who loses a touch of her femininity. It’s ok to be disappointed with dating and to admit to yourself and God that you're losing hope. Your ability to be honest with yourself is a step in the direction of self-love and when you begin to love yourself more, you begin to identify men that will love you better.
Here are 4 things that I’ve learned about myself while being disappointed with dating:
1. Learn to beat your last level
We all have a past and issues that will affect the way we see love and relationships. Getting to know yourself is like becoming good at a game. You’ve played a game for years at one level overcoming the obstacles. With your new skills, you can now bypass and conquer obstacles that you could not accomplish but now you can because you’ve been here before. Apply this to your love life, take off the rose-colored glasses. Stop ignoring the reality of who you are versus who you want to be. If you need to level up your self-esteem, do it! If your physique holds you back from being confident, work out. If you want to get out of debt, stop buying clothes and throw those coins on a bill. You can’t blame anyone for where you are in life.
Ignoring the level that we live on only delays our healing and relational success.
It is irresponsible for us to know and actively date with personal open wounds with no effort to work on being a whole person. There are so many online resources to help us heal. Everybody and their momma is hosting a free webinar and recording podcasts. Teletherapy, books, and counselors are at our fingertips. It’s time to acknowledge the areas that we consistently stumble in and strive to reach a new level of emotional intelligence. You can create the life and love you want. Learn how to beat your last level.
2. Be Realistic
“Above all else, guard your heart, for everything you do flows from it.” This proverbs was a game-changer for my life. Sis, it is not your male interest’s responsibility to guard your thoughts.
Sure, a man may tell you that he wants to marry you but are you becoming prematurely attached and internalizing words instead of looking for signs and proof that he is who he is portraying to be? Are you envisioning your wedding and a new home with this individual before any conversations about commitment have been discussed? Keep your mind and thoughts on planet Earth and don’t make up a fairytale in your mind.
Check your emotions when they run away and ask God to steady your heart. Tap into your safe relationships and get friends who will tell you, “girl yall don’t know each other like that yet..relax.”
3. Don’t Wild Out
In the heat of experiencing disappointment and experiencing rejection, we can be tempted to retaliate. We want the man who ghosted us or the man who hurt us in other ways, to know not to play us. Baby girl, he’s gone you have nothing to prove to him.
Put the phone down, delete the tweet and sit on your hands if you have to but whatever you do, stop trying to get people to hate him by sharing all the details. Bitterness is easily spotted especially when we are sharing in the heat of the moment. Resist the urge to get back at him and stop slandering him. Keep this in mind; a man’s rejection does not invalidate your worth.
Make an inner resolve that this disappointment will not change your view of yourself and or undo the work that you’ve put into building your esteem and your spiritual clarity. Maintain your integrity and move on.
4. Forgive Yourself...and him too!
“Make allowances for each other’s faults, and forgive anyone who offends you.” I love this Bible verse.
Everyone has hurt someone in life. Disappointment in relationships is inevitable because we are all on a journey to healing. I remember using my words to hurt a man who hurt my feelings and God asked me, “how will you respond to your future husband when he offends you? Say what God?!
At that moment I had to acknowledge that the anger I had towards this young man was formed from grouping him in with other people and my past trauma. Cycles perpetuate when they go unchecked.
What you don’t heal now will be revealed later.
I had not forgiven people who left me and it bled into a new relationship. Everybody sins and we all need forgiveness. Mature women extend grace because we have received grace. Can God trust us with the heart of a man and children who will undoubtedly make mistakes? You mind as well learn how to forgive quickly and frequently now.
Disappointment is inevitable but you can change your response to it by becoming a whole woman in mind, soul, and spirit. Give yourself and others some grace to grow. Keep becoming the best version of yourself. You embody love!
ALICIA CHRISTINE Beach
Alicia Christine is a minister, coach, and creative entrepreneur. Through a defining moment in her life, while working in the fashion industry, Alicia experienced the transformative power of God. It was in this season of soul searching, career transitions, and failed relationships that she learned to identify her past traumas and heal. Alicia is a bold and transparent thought leader who is passionate about teaching women how to reconcile with their past and use every life lesson as momentum to create a new path.
Alicia believes that healing is a journey that takes immense courage. Passion and love fuel Alicia to help millennial women establish better relationships with themselves and break off cycles of pain to transform their lives.
Alicia Christine holds a degree in English Communications from Lincoln University, PA, and a Master’s of Christian Education. She is a proud member of Delta Sigma Theta Sorority Inc.
Alicia’s philosophy…Embrace your life’s story and if it hurts, change it.”
Follow her on IG @itsaliciachristine