Guard your heart
Updated: Jan 1
Above all else, guard your heart, for everything you do flows from it.
So last year I started dating this guy. A man of God, incredibly sweet, and patient. He has a lot of great qualities that I want in a mate BUT..... he isn't celibate, well at least not on his own terms. I explained to him multiple times that my celibacy journey was important to me and I wanted to see it through until marriage. After many conversations, he assured me it was something he could do.
Time went by, we grew closer and we became more and more comfortable with one another. Kissing lead to touching, which turned into caressing and before you knew it we both fell into a lustful trap of temptation. You think you are strong enough to withhold any amount of temptation until you are in the thick of it. On some occasions I was the strong one and others I initiated. I thought that we both were strong enough to withstand, but in the end we are both human and we made unhealthy decisions that were unpleasing to GOD.
I had never been so disappointed in myself because I had broken my promise to God. I expressed that these actions required a commitment and I stated that I wanted to be in a more serious relationship and he told me he just wanted to be friends because he felt that we didn't know each other well enough. I understood to an extent but what I couldn't comprehend was if I was to adhere to his boundaries why couldn't he adhere to mine?
So there I was right back in the cycle that I desperately wanted to break.
I didn't want to continue on this path because I don't want to give all of myself to someone who is only giving me a fraction of themselves. So I had to walk away, I couldn't continue in a sexual relationship with no commitment and I am not okay with being physical with someone who is in a physical or emotional relationship with other people at the same time. It makes me feel devalued.
I remember when my best friend, who is also named Megan, shared powerful words of wisdom with me. We were discussing my new job and how I met my current boss and I told her I met him volunteering for a committee he is apart of and that I had maybe a 10 minute conversation with him and the next week he offered me a job. The job that I had moved to LA for, the job that has gotten my foot in the door for this crazy entertainment industry. He never asked for my resume, my interview process was extremely simple, he hired me because he had a good feeling about me. She told me that "This man met you for 10 minutes and knows that you're going to be the perfect fit for his company because of how you handle yourself and who you are -- This is a great reminder that that man XXXXXX is not worth your time if he couldn't figure out your worth in 6 months". Damn......
Ps Megan, if you are reading this I can't tell you how much that blessed me! I love you!
I say all of this to say.. GUARD YOUR HEART and be mindful of your boundaries. I am sure that if I had been more vocal about certain things and had disciplined my flesh more everything would have turned out differently. If I would have kept close to God and asked for help when I needed it instead of taking things into my own hands I know things would have had a different outcome. I know it's possible to be in a solid celibate relationship, but it required work from both parties.
So things I will do differently. Stay close to GOD, Seek wise counsel, learn to control my flesh and be more strict about the boundaries that I place for myself. I know some people think not having sex before marriage is old fashioned but sex is powerful and beautiful when it's contained. When it's not contained it can cause heart ache and it did. Although it didn't work out, I am honored to have spent time with him because he really did show me what a healthy relationship looked like and overall he treated me incredibly well!
If you are on this journey please don't be so hard on yourself. There will be times that you are tempted and times that you cave in, but just remember you always have God to fall back on when and if it happens. God is the only one who will guide you in the right direction and he really will help you guard your heart!
I hope this blog blessed you and if you feel like it will bless someone else, please share!